untitled
a souvenir.
this loss of a dream, leaving membranes
of ice
dropped like coins in a tin plate
thanks
small impression on the grass
backward holes
of displaced winters and
confused geese, who chew
the crunchy pellets of snow:
leftovers
posted by valerie salerie @ 5:53 a.m.
3 comments
3 Comments:
editing help s'il vous plait?
first stanza
- dont like the word "dropped" b/c ice doesnt really drop .. but i wanted to give the imagery of ice distributed scarcely, like coins in a tin plate
second stanza
- i dont like most of it, except for the part about geese crunching on snow. i was outside and saw them chewing on the pieces of ice from yesterday's surprise snowfall, and wanted to include them. but so far, i think it's very awkwardly placed. suggestions?
first stanza:
instead of 'dropped'
why not
'trickling like coins in a tin plate'
??
second stanza:
i like the cruchy snow pellets....not a fan of 'leftovers'..makes me think of meatloaf
thanks Jen
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